March 26, 2011

Good morning! I'm off to a wonderful start...

This FLYing thing is just amazing! I've been doing a fabulous job with it. I'm making my routines daily and I'm doing them! Not only am I doing them but I'm completing some of them! It's so nice to not feel the pressure of thinking that I'm behind. And I just do them without over-thinking it or hesitating. And for once I'm taking care of myself. In more ways than just physical hygiene. It's amazing the way I feel!

Well now that I wrote down my first vision the new ones are coming at lightening speed. I can't write that fast! Now I'm visioning cleaning the kid's bathroom upstairs. I'm cleaning the mirror and Alex is taking a bath in the tub. I can picture his smile as he's playing. He does something and I laugh in reaction. I'm dressed to shoes again. I get Alex out and wrap him in a towel. I carry him down to Erek. I go back up to the bathroom and finish cleaning it. After I'm done, Alex and Erek walk up the stairs. Together, Erek and I put Alex to bed.

Man, the more I write these visions out, the more I want to go home. I can't believe I won't be at home on Sunday morning to say Happy Birthday to Andrew first thing in the morning. This is just killing me! My kids didn't get in trouble, I did! So why are they the ones being punished?! It breaks my heart for them! It's starting to make me mad. My children don't deserve this!

March 25, 2011

I'll try to not have this turn into a novel but there are no promises...

There are so many visions I've been seeing in my mind. I'll guess I'll start by listing all of the areas that I've had them in. I've had visions about cleaning, gardening, cooking, baking, playing with the kids, bonding time, cuddling, doing activities with the boys, going on outings, date nite with Erek, watching movies, physical affection with my husband, special cards etc. for & from the kids and Erek, work, finances, relationships with my family members, the step-kids, schooling including homeschooling and college, doing crafts, and finally health related things like exercise, eating right (diet, not dieting), and drinking water.

I guess I'll start with a cleaning vision. Thanks to Flychat I've been having a ton of cleaning visions. I guess I'll tell you about this one. When I was writing in my journal right after I had read some of my old blogs...I had a cleaning vision. I was at the house. I could picture myself vacuuming the playroom. The sun was shining through the window. I was dressed to shoes and smiling. Nikolas was in the playroom with me. He was playing with his wooden train tracks; putting them together by the window, where I had already vacuumed. I saw myself turn off the vacuum, unplug it and wind the cord back up. I remember putting my hands on my hips and watching Nikolas play. All with a smile...

I texted Erek that I wanted to see him and didn't get a response. I called him a few times too and no answer. I hope everything is okay. I also hope he's not just blowing me off. That would be unlike him so I'm sure there's a reason. Hopefully he calls tomorrow. I really want to at least hear his voice. I think we need to talk some more. I miss him terribly!

March 24, 2011

My life is just amazing right now! Yeah, I miss my family, but I MISS MY FAMILY!! I have come so far since December. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a long, long ways to go, but I'm on the right path. My thoughts are clear, I have feelings and emotions like a real person. I'm taking care of myself mentally, physically, and more! I'm taking care of my children and developing deep relationships with them. I'm in love with my husband. I'm keeping my surroundings straightened up. There are two areas of my life that I would like to improve. They are work and finances. I know they kind of go hand-in-hand. I'll explain what's going on with them later. I have something big to write about.

I had a counseling appointment with Dr. Fall today. It was an excellent appointment. I told her about my findings from this past week. About my visions of home and my thoughts/feelings about Erek. So she gave me a "homework" assignment...to write down my visions. I have so many! So I'm going to try to include at least one per journal entry. All I can think about is being at home with my husband, children, and step-children. Every time someone in Flychat says what household chore they're going to do, I picture myself doing that same chore at home with or for my family.

March 23, 2011

It's been a good bit since my last entry.

I had court this morning and everything went well in front of the judge! There will be no court next week, probably due to it being spring break in out area.

I went to see the boys yesterday. I had fun with them again! I was physically drained yesterday so was lagging. Because of that things could have gone better. I still had a great attitude tho. I just had a few motivational problems. When I got to the house I ate after saying hi to the boys. I shared my french fries with Alex. After I'd eaten I got out the funnel cakes. Nikolas and Alex shared one container and I ate the other I'd bought. Not long after, Andrew got home from school. Erin had brought some cookies so we had those as an afternoon/after school snack. Andrew and Nikolas went upstairs to play and I spent some time with the babies. After awhile I started dinner. We ate and played some more. I was getting a headache so took some advil. After a bit, Andrew fell asleep on his bed. Around 6:30 I got Nikolas in the bathtub. I gave him a bath and got him ready for bed. While I was washing Nikolas, Erin brought a sleeping Logan upstairs and put him in his crib. After Nikolas was in his pajamas he went and got in bed. Then I got Alex ready for bed. I got him tucked in and went to read Nikolas some stories. We read two Thomas the Train stories and I tucked him in. I then went downstairs to start getting the house cleaned up. Andrew came down the stairs. I told Andrew to go get ready for bed. He started pouting and Erin stepped in. She ended up carrying Andrew up the stairs. He was crying so I went up and got Andrew calmed down. He got ready for bed but wanted to look at something with me. We did that and I tucked him in. I was laying on his bed with him. While I was laying there Nikolas came into Andrew's room. He climbed into Andrew's bed. I talked with them a bit. After that I tucked them in and headed downstairs. On my way down I noticed that Logan was crying. I went into the babies' room and scooped him up. I brought him downstairs with me. I changed his diaper and got him in a sleeper. I put him in the swing and finished loading the dishwasher. I got the dishwasher started, made a bottle for Logan and got him fed. I put him back in the swing. I got the rest of the kitchen done, the dining room completed, and picked up the toys and things on the living room floor. I still had that headache from earlier so I packed up and came home. I'll leave it here for now. I want to elaborate on things a bit more in my next entry. Sorry this one isn't my best entry!

March 22, 2011 1 am

Been a few days since my last entry. I've worked the last few days. You probably think I'm a nut for how much my last entry jumped around! I just had a lot of energy and very little focus. I have two main things I want to talk about in this entry. Here we go!

I mentioned how I've been going to the house on Tuesdays to see the boys. Since I have to have supervised visits and to keep Andrew home on school nights, Erek hired a babysitter for Tuesdays. Since the CPS meeting a few weeks ago, she's at the house with me. Her name is Erin. She's nice, but I dunno. I guess her and Andrew had an issue and she won't watch him by herself. He's since the incident with Erin, gotten on his ADHD med. But it's like she won't give him another chance. I know Andrew can be a difficult child but she just kind of snaps at him. You'd think since she has ADHD too she'd understand him better, but she doesn't. Another things is that she's so negative. I'll give you the examples that are stuck in my thoughts.

Nikolas was coming down the stairs after having gone to the bathroom. All of the sudden he starts crying. She pipes in "Nikolas crying is for babies." Now, maybe because I'm his mom, I could tell he was hurt. So I asked him if he got hurt. He sobbed and said yes. I consoled him and all was good after that. So that was one incident.

The second was later that same evening. I had left for a few to go do my urine screen. I came home and Andrew had fallen asleep on his bed while I was gone. This was around 7:15 pm when I got back. Around 9:30 pm that evening, I was laying down with Nikolas when I saw Andrew heading downstairs. I was getting up to acknowledge him when I heard Erin say "Andrew, it's too late for you to be up...it's a school nite, you need to go back to bed." I greeted him on the stairs and asked him if he had a good rest, it was late and we needed to get ready for bed.

I've said something to Erek and Mindy (my CPS worker) over the last few days. So we'll see what happens.

Erek is my next topic. So I've had some time to process things from my last entry. I can't stop thinking about him, about us. He called last nite and I went out to the house so we could talk. I started sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. I explained things with ease. Well I was willing to share with ease, just had a hard time coming up with some of the right words to express them. He was very receptive and willing to talk and list. Then I went to him and he held me. I felt at home. Like I'd never left. Things progressed and we ended up having sex. It wasn't just sex tho. There was this amazing passion! We both wanted it! It was good!! Afterward, we really started talking. He stated that he wondered if life isn't just going bad for me and that's why I want back. But what he doesn't know yet is I've been extremely content with life lately! I love that man. And I'm so lucky to have him love me back! He had to go get the boys from daycare so I told him to let things process and we could talk later. I can't wait for him to see the changes in me lately. I love feeling the way I do now! I think my wall is coming down and it feels amazing!

March 19, 2011

My life is moving in such a positive direction lately!! I'm less stressed and always looking forward to tomorrow! Here's a little bit more on why I'm in such a good mood lately.

Besides all of the things I've done that I have mentioned in my previous entries, the next biggest thing I've done in addition to those is I've been spending time with the boys. I don't know why I wasn't before. I was being selfish! Those boys need a mom who is involved in their lives. I have been going to the house on Tuesdays around 2 pm; Wednesdays around 4 pm; and on Thursdays (if I don't work). On Thursdays, Andrew has gymnastics at 6:30 pm, so I've been meeting them at gymnastics a lil before 6:30, then going to the house to help get them to bed. This has been working out very well and there's more! I've been having a blast with the kids! When I've been with the boys my focus is on them. I'm more worried about them and their needs than I ever have been. Not only that, I realize they need to be played with and cuddled! So I've been worrying about their needs, then playing and cuddling, and lastly cleaning. What a different mind frame than before. I miss and think about them every minute I'm not with them. I feel on top of the world when I'm with them and feel so blessed to have the kids. I actually FEEL it in my heart. We'll get through this and, I believe, I'll have bonded and created a meaningful relationship with each of them. I'm starting to think this is one of the, if not the, biggest reason the court thing happened. I can't wait for Tuesday to see them again!

I can now see a future, a dream. That dream is to get a house. A house I can make a home. A home for me and the boys. I want to provide a place for them to stay. I will use my routines. I will not allow the home to become like the condition I have kept my previous homes in. I have been able to keep my room clean for the past week. It feels great! I feel so proud of myself for what I've accomplished in the last week in all areas of my life. I even got home from work tonight, made my routines and got to work on them. I don't feel behind...I feel like I'm on top of things. I feel great physically, emotionally, and, most importantly, mentally! Well I need to keep going on my routines so I can continue to feel like this! I'll write more tonight before bed.

Okay, so I just went back and read some of my old blogs. I miss my life! I miss my kids, I miss my cats, I miss everything. How did things turn so completely upside down? Don't get me wrong, I know why it had to happen but I just want to go home! I want my boys, I want to hug and cuddle them...I want to play with them. I want to go clean and do the laundry! I even just want to go and be in Erek's arms. I want my family back. Wait a minute!...does that mean I love Erek?! Hmmmmm...When I think of having my life back, he's apart of that picture in my head. Hmmm...I want to call him now! but I can't. This just totally baffled me. I can hardly think straight.

So I'm feeling better. I texted Erek and told him about my thoughts. I told him about my vision, apologized for everything and thanked him for stepping up in my absence. He didn't respond for awhile, said he fell asleep, which is good...he needs it.

I just cannot focus on anything tonight. I think I'm bored but I don't want to start another new project. I have so many going, I definately don't need another. Maybe I'll re-do my routine for today/tonight to include some crafting time. It would be a good way to channel my energy and maybe I'll break my more generic categories like studying down into smaller babysteps to help being so unfocused. Gonna do that now!

March 18, 2011

I hade so much I wanted to add in my last entry. This entry will be a continuation of my last one.

When Andrew started kindergarten he was having some major behavioral issues. It got so bad that I was preparing to homeschool him. When I was in junior high and high school I never did my schoolwork. In high school I skipped more class than I attended. When I got to college (after getting my GED) I realized how much it affected me. So I ordered a kindergarten homeschool curriculum for Andrew in preparation of homeschooling him. When I order the K5 curriculum, I also ordered the 12th grade curriculum for myself. I was going to homeschool Andrew and work along side him on the 12th grade stuff. While we were waiting for the materials to arrive, Andrew was diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds. We decided to keep him in public school to see if things improved. They did tremendously. Add in having two more babies and you can see why I haven't touched the 12th grade curriculum. So now that I am having more free time, I've finally started going through the material. I started on the Economics subject. It's slow going with everything that's going on in my life, but it's actually fun! I like that it's self-paced. No pressure of a time crunch and I can actually absorb the information without feeling behind. I have told a lot of people about this and I've only received positive feedback! I even told Dr. Fall (my counselor) and Jill (my probation officer) and they were both very impressed!

So as a part of my BBR (Before Bed Routine) I have been doing a pacing plan for my schoolwork. Between the revolving routines and the pacing plan I can cross things off as I get done and not feel behind. I am liking this!

I have also taken on a fitness challenge! I know what you are thinking...I have a poor diet, don't drink my water, my sleep habits are awful, and I don't exercise, so why am I taking a fitness challenge?! Well, it's called "the couch to 5K" program. No I will NOT be running a 5K marathon. In this challenge you make up your own 5K marathon. It can be anything I want it to be! I haven't made one up yet but I have been doing the challenge every day so far. The first few days are to get yourself thinking positively and to mentally motivate yourself and add some simple things like parking further away, using the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. I actually did both of those things yesterday. Today is to start recording your exercise on a calendar. I'm liking it so far!

Well I need to get more done before work so I'll try to do another entry tonight during my BBR.